I feel it most strongly after work as I am driving home in traffic when it’s quiet in the car, when I’m alone. This is when I have the most time to think about the last 6 weeks and what it means for my husband and I, and our future together. The tears are falling gently on my face as I drive home as I remember saying the words “for better or worse, for richer for poorer… in sickness and in health, I do”, when we got married 8 years ago. Yes, I realize this disease affects my husband most of all, but my heart is filling with an unknown fear that not one single person wants to talk about. I’m having a melt down, it has taken 6 weeks since I was given the news…
By the time I get home it’s time to water my plants, they have spent all day in the hot sun. They are thriving in the summer sun, I lift my face to feel its warmth and so it can lift my spirit. The sun, it gives life to my garden, my beautiful flowers and my red tomatoes. Why is it such a powerful gift and yet at the same time it can turn into such misery for my husband's health and for others? Why is it turning our lives upside down? Why now?
The more I learn about melanoma the more I worry about it and the harder it is to control my emotions. Doctor appointments, treatment options, (or lack of for Bob right now at stage 3), information overload (everyone has an opionion), family concerns, and husband’s health recuperation after surgery, work stress, and personal concerns for our future.
My heart is aching in unfamiliar places. The bottom line is I’m a control freak and this is definitely out of my control. I can’t walk in my husband’s shoes but I will try my best to walk right there beside him and be there for whatever decisions he makes for his treatments and what ever comes into our future. After that I am going to have to let this all go. (Easier said than done, I know…)
So, from this day forward I take each day as it comes, 24 hours at a time… IN HOPE, IN LOVE, IN GRACE. (breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out...)
From the perspective of the caregiver,
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