9 days left

Posted By
Lori C
8/19/2010 5:21pm
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Replies: 9

In 9 days Will has his scan after two rounds of chemo.  He's feeling well at the moment - the pain meds have really made a difference and today he was doing just great.  He's continuing physical therapy and eating well.  We went out for coffee and he had two donuts so I was happy.

His visible skin lesions have all seemed to reduce, some pretty well, in size.  However, I'm getting almost paralyzed with fear anticipating the scans.  His sister is warning me to get hospice lined up (I do have info on that if he needs it but they can't do anything unless he stops treatment, according to the guidelines we were told).  

I'm trying to be optimistic but realistic.  On July 9, we were told his liver was badly compromised by the melanoma and it was acting aggressively based on comparisons with a scan done four weeks earlier.  It is unreasonable to think that if the cancer in his liver was still as aggressive he'd be at least a bit sicker than he was at that point by now?  Or am I engaging in wishful thinking?  He's less ill, from what I can tell, than he was six weeks ago, not more.  He even went into Chicago to visit someone on Monday using the train.

Charlie S - (8/19/2010 - 7:40pm)

Trusting that you remember me writing to you before about my cosmic melanoma buddy Arza, she penned a book at one time about "Walking Between the Raindrops".  In my minds eye I see you and Will doing just that; you each know there is a thunderstorm around you, yet if the sun gets just right and the clouds move just so.then a rainbow appears.

In the mean while your steps are keeping the raindrops off, but you each know a storm is afoot and you must trust that just as before, your steps are sure and sincere, yet aware.  Above all, you know the raindrops will move as you each must.  There is no way of knowing where the next raindrop is or where it will be, but you know the rain is certain, but must keep moving.

Once, Arza told me she had for months, lost the ability to laugh and I told her to take off her underpants, put them on her head, go look in the mirror and report back to me.  She did and she laughed.

There is no moral to the story here, but keep walking through the raindrops, don't lose sight of the ridiculous and if all else fails, stick your underwear on your head................much like the fictional Sidney Freidman said in "MASH".......drop your pants and slide on the ice,

Charlie S

Lori C - (8/20/2010 - 6:54am)

Thank you for the encouragement and the reminders! 

I had a great day with Will yesterday but did spoil some of it with anticipatory anxiety so need to knock that off.  The underwear story reminds me of something that happened this summer.  I work in a library.  One day, someone came in wearing a full duck suit.  I mean with the giant pointed butt sticking out behind them, the bill, the feet, whole thing.  I could not resist asking - though we are supposed to be very respectful of privacy and not pry, well, I figured this was calling for a query.

The duck-lady told me "I just needed to cheer myself up".  Hey, whatever works!

I am going to practice some laughing and also figure out how to shield myself from the negativity a bit better.  I can sometimes literally feel my energy drain from me when people make a discouraging comment about Will - mutual friends will say to me, "He is approaching the end of his time here and you  need to prepare him for the last part of his life", etc., and meanwhile, Will is saying, "How can I fight this cancer better?"


JoanR - (8/20/2010 - 5:31pm)

Charlie, such a wonderful post, glad to see you online gain....I have printed it off.

washoegal - (8/19/2010 - 8:00pm)

I just hope you enjoy the good days and learn to quite fearing what is ahead.  I am not sure how you have managed to make it this far, I turely believe you are a Saint.  We have all learned much from you and from Will. 

It is not unreasonable to "hope" that he is better since he appears to be fealing better. 

Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

Sherron - (8/20/2010 - 10:35am)

Hi Lori - when I start feeling stress, anxiety, worry, which is most of the time...I find comfort is scripture.."Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will care for itself" Matthew 6.34....."This the day the Lord hath made, be glad and rejoice in it" Psalms 118:24..I know this is not for everyone, but it helps me..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Phil 4:13....I have several others, but I will not push this on anyone, but does help me some. 
Also, laughter, find laughter....it feels so good!  Wishing the best for you and Will.

Take Care,

Sherron, wife to Jim

jag - (8/20/2010 - 2:10pm)

Hey Lorie, glad to hear the skin lesions are decreasing in size, Signs of liver disease worsening are yellow gums/skin (icterus)pallor/ abdominal fluid/lack of appt etc.  The fact that he had not one buy 2 donuts is a good sign indeed.  Saying prayers for you.


Insert Generic Inspirational Motto Here

JuleFL - (8/20/2010 - 10:58pm)

Will is eating, traveling and still fighting?  Doesn't sound hospice-bound to me.  I know upcoming scans drive us crazy, but try to live it up as much as possible.  Love the Duck Lady story.

JuleFL - wife of Cal

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth and danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.........put out my hand and touched the face of God.
John Gillespie Magee, Jr

Janet2 - (8/21/2010 - 4:54am)

Hi Lori,

I'm pleased to hear that Will is feeling well at the moment and the pain medication is helping. It is good that his visible skin lesions also seem to have reduced in size and I hope his scan results are good.

Sending positive vibes and keeping you both in my prayers.


Lori C - (8/21/2010 - 9:12am)

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and wisdom.  I'm truly trying to take this a day at a time now. 

I took Will out to lunch yesterday and he had chicken and shrimp carbonara, salad, and some sort of apple crisp and ice cream.  His appetite is definitely still okay!   He enjoyed getting out and it was lovely to just be out and about with him.  I'll try to do as much of that as I can in the upcoming week and dodge the raindrops that are the spectre of the scans.