Crash and Burn

Posted By
8/29/2010 6:11pm
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Replies: 4

I feel it most strongly after work as I am driving home in traffic when it’s quiet in the car, when I’m alone. This is when I have the most time to think about the last 6 weeks and what it means for my husband and I, and our future together. The tears are falling gently on my face as I drive home as I remember saying the words “for better or worse, for richer for poorer… in sickness and in health, I do”, when we got married 8 years ago. Yes, I realize this disease affects my husband most of all, but my heart is filling with an unknown fear that not one single person wants to talk about. I’m having a melt down, it has taken 6 weeks since I was given the news…


By the time I get home it’s time to water my plants, they have spent all day in the hot sun. They are thriving in the summer sun, I lift my face to feel its warmth and so it can lift my spirit. The sun, it gives life to my garden, my beautiful flowers and my red tomatoes. Why is it such a powerful gift and yet at the same time it can turn into such misery for my husband's health and for others? Why is it turning our lives upside down? Why now?


The more I learn about melanoma the more I worry about it and the harder it is to control my emotions. Doctor appointments, treatment options, (or lack of for Bob right now at stage 3), information overload (everyone has an opionion), family concerns, and husband’s health recuperation after surgery, work stress, and personal concerns for our future.


My heart is aching in unfamiliar places. The bottom line is I’m a control freak and this is definitely out of my control. I can’t walk in my husband’s shoes but I will try my best to walk right there beside him and be there for whatever decisions he makes for his treatments and what ever comes into our future. After that I am going to have to let this all go. (Easier said than done, I know…)


So, from this day forward I take each day as it comes, 24 hours at a time… IN HOPE, IN LOVE, IN GRACE. (breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out...)


From the perspective of the caregiver,



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The Gambler - (8/30/2010 - 12:31am)

Hello everybody , I am Bob, very lucky husband of  " loving wife Deb ". Diagnosed on June 15th, surgery July 22nd and reality bell rang on August 13th, ( my mortality ).

Deb found your web site a few weeks back and has been sharing stories with me ever since. I am overwhelmed by the courage and power of hope the people of this bullitin board posess. Since I have had some people send me stories from this discussion board of encouragement and support and I feel truely blessed.

We are on a mission to understand everything possible about Melanoma and the best direction for treatment. We are newbies and can only catch about half the " coded  " conversations but I am certian we will catch on eventually.

I think we are all in search of the " Holy Grail " for melanoma and I hope it comes soon for all of us. If you have read my wife's stories you can see it all comes from her heart and a huge one she has. She has me read them somtimes before she posts and after I get done I am crying like a baby ( big tough guy, huh ) well that is all for now I just wanted to say hello and thank all of you for being who you are. I hope to write again soon.

Again thanks for all the love and support...


Sherron - (8/31/2010 - 3:34pm)

Well, Deb, I am 4 years nearly 2 months out and I sometimes still have a mini meltdown....It is not an easy road.  My husband and I have been married for nearly 43 years...My husband has had no surgery, no WLE, SNB, no treatment at all except alternative treatments he has come up with....He has progressed some...In fact last week, 4 new lumps....I had a meltdown!  Now, this week, they appear to be getting smaller, except for the cervical lymph node.  So, some of the stuff he is taking is helping some, but can it keep Mel away continually, who knows.  That is the road he picked to travel.  He is all about QUALITY LIFE, rather than Quanity life.....He has done well......So, we are still watching and waiting....and have b een for 4 years +...And it is also happening to me...It is not just him....But trying to live each day best we can and enjoy all the time we have....and not let Mel totally consume us.....

Take Care,

Sherron, wife to Jim

lovingwifedeb - (9/1/2010 - 12:01am)

Dear Sherron,

I took the time to read your bio today, thank you for being so detailed and honest. I have not found too many here who have chosen not to take any treatment after surgery. You are quite a wife to be able to stand beside your husband's choice when he has chosen "Quality of Life" over "Quantity" and where ever this choice may lead him and you down the road.  We definately have talked about this subject in a limited degree for we think it will come up eventually down the road. I have only been on this board for a few weeks and I have learned everyone has opionions but I feel I can certainly can learn from them as I search for answers. Right now my head is spinning from everything I am trying to learn about melanma, including what my husband's own doctor's have told us.

Who am I but one lone soul who loves this man, my husband, with all her heart and only wants him to live long enough to see retirement and grandkids grow up and maybe have children of their own?

I hope in time I will be able to find a balance between husband, melanoma, 3 daughters (grown), home, and work. Right now all the lines are blurred and my heart is breaking. It's been pretty hard for me to keep everything in it's place without falling apart. I've had lots of trials and tests in my lifetime... divorce, raising a 4-year on my own, several moves, my own health challenges, changing jobs, father's death, etc. normal living life. But for the life of me this is one thing I feel totally lost in and don't know how to battle.

Your husband's choice (alternative treatments) may not be what I hope my husband's choice is in the next few weeks (for he has not decided yet) but I honor your lives and what you are doing for each other.

Thank you for sharing, from one caregiver to another...


dian in spokane - (8/31/2010 - 7:16pm)


Most of us here understand what you and your Bob are going through.

I am also married to a Bob, and i'd just like to say that when I progressed to stage III back in 2003, it totally changed our lives. It was frightening, and became even more difficult once I decided to do Interferon. And it was scary all over again, in a completely different way when I progressed to stage IV 5 yrs later.

But one of the things that changed was my entire relationship with my husband. He showed a side of himself that I had never fully glimpsed before. Bob showed me so much love and support and committment to me, that it deepened things between us to a level I didn't know we could reach.

We've been married now for 22 yrs, but the bonds that tie us together have strengthened to iron since we have faced melanoma together.

Both of you have different challenges to face during this journey, but you will lend each other strength and courage.

Good luck to you both,