Your insights about grieving

Posted By
POW
4/11/2013 9:32am
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POW
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Replies: 11

I just posted on the Off-Topic forum basically asking the question: "Is there is a "healthy" way to grieve?" ( See thread "Confused by my grief counselor".) I know that everyone grieves differently, but should I accept the advice of an experienced hospice grief counselor or should I do what comes naturally to me? I know that other people have lost loved ones in the past but this is the first time for me, so I would appreciate your insights.

Anonymous - (4/11/2013 - 10:19am)

i posted on the off topic forum an article

 

The Myth of Stages of  Dying, Death and Grief
By Russell Friedman and John W. James

POW - (4/11/2013 - 11:22am)

Thank you!

Sherron - (4/11/2013 - 11:23am)

I lost my husband on Nov 30, 2010 to Melanoma.  I am still greiving.  I say do what comes naturally.  It is a different journey for each person...It is extremely painful for me.  Jim passed away 4 days before our 43rd anniversary.  When you have been married that long, it is like devastating.  A part of me died when he did.  I am only 1/2 of a person.  I do not know who I am without him.  I have been to a counselor, taken 2 grief classes, which were good.  But, I really think for each person it is different.  You make progress, steps forward, then boom, 2 steps back.  It is a long process depending on the relatlionship you had to the person.  There is no right or wrong.  It is just what it is...You go day to day, sometimes hour to hour at first...but somehow you make it through the day, the week, the month, a year....It's like a fog, and I pray someday we totally wake up to be a fully functioning person again....For now, I am just doing the best I can..It isa terribly lonely process.

 

Take Care,

Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

Profile under - Sherron

sharmon - (4/11/2013 - 2:54pm)

Brent died on the 4th. I cannot be alone. My family take turns staying with me. He was my only and best friend. We worked together ever day for 10 years. He did not want to die. No one can tell me that it will get easier. Every moment here without him is agony. We never had an argument. Ours was a love affair that was out of a fairy tale. No one can tell someone how to get over this. I think we have to figure it out on our own in our own time, in our own way. Or not,

Sherron - (4/11/2013 - 3:58pm)

Sharmon, I know how you feel , it is awful.....and right now I can't say it will be better....I think it takes a very long time when you are extremenly close like I was to my husband, and you to your husband...For a long time it is like a fog,  you function, doing daily things, but yet not really knowing how you got from Place A to Place B.  Jim and I also had a very close friendship and relatationship, and it was mostly us all the time.....Now, I am completely alone....that is so hard, the beling alone, and learning to deal with living alone, and having to make all the decisions for your household.  I think losing a spouse or a child are the very worse.  When you lose a spouse you lose a part of yourself, your identity...who are you without him?  that is how I felt...I am still living one day at a time and it  has been 2 years 4 months...14 later I was back to work....Someone has to make a living....I am functioning but at a low level..My grown children want to know when their mom will be back....Well, she is gone too....A part of me died when he died...I am who I am to day, and they have to learn to love the new me. Thinking of you Sharmon, sending you hugs, prayers, and love.

Take Care,

Sherron, wife to Jim FOREVER

Oh sharmon, I am so sorry.  My husband Mickey also died on the 4th, and I know exactly how you feel.  It truly is agony.  We were married for 42 years, and he was my best friend. I feel dazed and confused, like a part of me has been torn away.  Everyone tells me it will get easier as time passes, but I just can't imagine that happening.  I think we all have to grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong and hopefully, somehow, sometime, we will be able to take comfort in our wonderful memories and not feel this terrible hurt inside.

I believe that anyone, especially a medical professional, who tells you that you are grieving wrongly should be the last person you discuss your feelings with!  No one grieves in exactly the same way.  I do believe that crying is good for letting some of those awful feelings out, but that doesn't mean it has to be a production.  Your grief will come in waves; it will surprise you when it rears its head.  Just the other day I found myself crying (in church, no less); grieving for my brother who has been gone 5 1/2 years.  As I told my SIL, I'm "mostly healed", but not completely healed.  I doubt I ever will be.

Strength and Courage,

Susan

Anonymous - (4/13/2013 - 6:11am)
Here are some brilliant words from author, Sarah Dessen: “Grieving doesn't make you imperfect. It makes you human.” Grief is simply a part of the process! 

POW - (4/14/2013 - 9:04am)

Thank you all for your honest, warm, and generous responses. I am reassured to know that it's OK to grieve in what ever way seems natural to me. I mean, that is what I expected, but my grief counselor made me start to doubt myself. Your experiences have helped me a lot.

Your experiences with grief gave me an added benefit, too. Like many of you, my husband and I have been married a long time, have no children or other geographically close family, and we are very happy and very much wrapped up in each other. Although we are both quite healthy, your stories have given me pause to think about what might happen in the future when one of us passes. I am more determined than ever to enjoy and appreciate my man every day and to start now to develop and sustain closer friendships. The only thing that really seems to help at all with crippling grief is to have caring people around you when you need them. Thank you for that valuable lesson. 

MeNDave - (4/24/2013 - 12:45pm)

I'm so sorry for all your losses.  It has been more than 9 months since Dave passed away, and I really don't even remember much of those first few months.  And for anybody to tell you that you are not grieving "the right way", including a counselor, ask to see the manual on grieving.  Oh, but wait, there isn't one.  That's right - because it's an individual journey with no rights or wrongs.  I will say that it has gotten easier for me to function, and although the pain is still there, it's not overwhelming all the time.  So what makes YOU feel better - you are your number one priority right now.

Don't ever, EVER, give up!

POW - (5/4/2013 - 5:26pm)

After considering your opinions and advice, I decided not to go back to that grief counselor. She really is a good counselor and she did help me a lot. But you all are correct-- there is no "right" way to grieve. On this issue, my counselor is a little too steeped in her own professional publications. 

Thankfully, I am gradually getting back to normal. Actually, I didn't even realize how far away from "normal" I had gotten until I started coming out of the "fog" some of you described. I posted an update on the Off-Topic forum ("Egad! My house is a mess!") for anyone who is interested. 

Keep fighting! And keep loving life!